


Guide to an Insufferable Douchebag

by lamentfullyLaconic (HollyTheFluffyCat)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Diary/Journal, Fluff, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Hurt/Comfort, Karkat Swearing, M/M, Meteorstuck, POV Karkat Vantas, POV Second Person, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Quadrant Confusion, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, What else is new, bg rosemary, bg vrisrezi, im so bad at tagging sorry, karkat won't admit it but it's definitely a diary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27801091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollyTheFluffyCat/pseuds/lamentfullyLaconic
Summary: On the first day of the three-year meteor trip, you made the executive decision to keep a strictly factual journal on Strider, documenting his mannerisms and weaknesses. No, it wasn't a fuckingdiary, shut the fuck up.It went about as well as expected. Which is to say, it backfired horrendously.---alt title: in which karkat writes an absolutely obscene amount of journal entries about dave strider
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 5
Kudos: 61





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> sup! this is gonna be one hell of a fanfic, i have planned shit out thoroughly for once (i have an eleven page long google doc for this fic that's literally just a guide on chapters and characterization and shit).
> 
> currently it looks like it'll be 26 chapters long, but the length may get a bit shorter or longer cause i may be stupid i dunno. i also might make a google doc to do a written out version of the entries because there are some things i have planned that would be hard to transfer to text, but we'll see.
> 
> anyways sorry for rambling, hope u enjoy! first chapter is always a bit messy when i write so sorry, but it'll get better dw.

Your name is Karkat Vantas.

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are attempting to process what the absolute fuck just happened.

Ok.

So.

Two human nookstains have somehow, against all odds, made it onto the meteor in one piece. Strider and Lalonde. You shove down the part of you that bitterly wishes it was John and Jade instead, because for fucks sake, you refuse to think about your pathetic pitch and flushed crushes on them. Absolutely not, you weren’t gonna pursue that shit like a pathetic, desperate wriggler, you knew… _those_ only happened cause you were bitter you had nobody in your quadrants. That’s all. You were over it.

Besides, having a human in any of your quadrants? It’ll be a cold day in hell before that happens.

It’s no longer the end of your days. You guys are miraculously, and probably against the world’s requests, still breathing. Your blood-pusher continues to beat your candy-red mutant blood through your veins for another day.

You aren’t sure how the hell this all happened, but you’ll take what few mercies you can get.

* * *

Currently, everyone has retired to the common room. Everyone is milling about, talking amongst themselves like cheerfully. Frankly, it’s almost sickening to you how blasé everyone is about literally *EVERYTHING* that just happened. You can practically hear what they’re all saying. “Oh, goodie!! We’re not about to be thrown into the end of the short, meaningless, idiotic sweeps that we have labeled our ‘lives’ just yet!! Time to celebrate and pretend like danger isn’t still looming over us and tying the noose around our necks because whichever fucking God created us clearly has a vendetta against us!!” Fucking idiots.

The remnants of your shock and relief have worn off, and the realization of just how fucking horrible the next sweeps will be has set in.

You glance over to your left, and pretty quickly figure out Lalonde seems to be waxing flushed for Kanaya, batting her lashes and giggling (which, by the way, Lalonde giggling sets off your aggrieve or abscond instinct) as the two of them talk quietly amongst themselves. And honestly? Whatever, who the hell cares. The two could snog each other and have the sappiest interspecies relationship in the history of the whole universe, you found you really couldn’t muster the shit you used to give anymore.

And to your right, you note with narrowed eyes that Strider seems to be talking to Terezi, with Vriska standing guard loyally by Terezi’s side, eying him warily. You never thought the day would come where you actually _agree_ with Spider-bitch. Let the horrorterrors rejoice.

But anyway, the two seem to be cozying up to each other just fine (seriously, those two were standing way too fucking close to each other), and you can hear Terezi’s sharp, grating laugh, no doubt pulled out of her by Strider’s infuriating ironic jests. You ponder whether it’s too late to chuck the humans off the meteor before you glance down at his hideous garments and remember, oh yeah, he’s practically fucking immortal. Plus Aradia said some bullshit about how they were the “leaders” now. What a goddamn shame.

You realize you’ve been glaring at the two for a bit too long, particularly, staring at Strider for a disproportionate amount of time. Eugh. And just then, as if the world decided your day wasn’t going terribly enough, the thought comes to your mind, unbidden, of Strider leaning in just a couple inches and pressing his lips to Terezi’s, and nope, no, absolutely not. Rage coils within your chest and you instinctively feel an animalistic growl rumble from your squawk blister. You know that isn’t going to happen, for a multitude of reasons, but you still feel fury just the same.

As for you, you are sitting on the couch, arms crossed against your chest and scowling. Alone. You don’t care to join in on this idiotic shitrumpus gathering, although having to watch it unfold is almost as infuriating. You just wanted to talk to your friends, for fucks sakes, without having to deal with this bullshit. Nobody else is left, really, except for your sorry ass. (well, also Gamzee, but you’d rather not talk to the psychotic clown currently sitting tied up and subdued in the corner. God, Vriska is fucking horrifying sometimes.)

Briefly, the thought crosses your mind that maybe you should be at least celebrating a little. Somehow, you all have achieved the impossible. You have sweeps until this sorry sack of shit called the “journey” is over. 

Maybe you don’t have to be on top of everything for once. Maybe you don’t have to focus on every little thing that could go wrong. Maybe you don’t have to continue your constant existence of bitching and moaning about every little disaster in your life and learn to unwind, calm the fuck down a bit. Maybe you could be happy.

Or, maybe you could just fucking not do that. Sounds stupid.

Whatever. Annoyed, you come to the realization you’ve been staring blankly at the floor for at least a couple of minutes. You shove yourself up and start walking away, about to retire to your respiteblock and sleep your developing migraine away, right before you hear his irritating voice.

Strider.

“oi. karkat. cmon dude where are you heading off to already. the party just started. its like fucking party city up in here. well no not the retail store chain like an actual city up to their goddamn plush foam asses with the most sick parties. the city is like the world champion of best parties all year round its fucking amazing dude. wait do you guys even have troll party city is that a thing i need to know this is vital knowledge. anyway party has officially been started cmon sit your ass back down.” He rambles, voice as aggravatingly flat as usual. You turn heel, claws digging indents into your palms, and glare at him as hard as you’ve ever glared in your life, which, to give yourself credit, is pretty damn fucking hard. Your eyes flick to Terezi, who seems to be currently occupied with Vriska, so yep, seems like Strider has decided to bother you now. Fucking hell.

You decide not to answer the party city question because it’s fucking stupid.

“COULD YOU KINDLY DO ME A FAVOR, STRIDER, AND TAKE WHATEVER MORE BULLSHIT YOU WERE GOING TO SPEW IN THE SHALLOW HOPES OF TRYING TO CONVINCE ME TO NOT TAKE A NICE GODDAMN NAP IN MY RESPITEBLOCK AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKING NOOK???” If this fucking douchebag tries to fucking force you to stay, you swear to the fucking Gods, there will be hell to pay-

Strider lets out a huff, and for a second, his flat expression breaks. The smallest quirk of his lips, the tiniest sign of his amusement, and you aren't sure why but that throws you for a loop. You've... never seen this pretentious fuckpuppet emote. Like, ever. He looks fucking weird, you decide, without the usual resting frown adoring his face. And lo and behold, as soon as that thought crosses your mind, your wishes are granted. The smile slips away from his face, and his face returns to his usual dull expression. Fuck, does he look so damn punchable right now.

"nah. look man i dont even know what the fuck a nook is and i dont think i wanna know the more that i think about it so spare me the lengthy lecture on troll anatomy please. but hey glad to see youre still just as eloquent as always though. i guess some things never change huh." Strider says, raising his eyebrows just the slightest bit.

God. You fucking hate those stupid shades. You can't read him and tell whether he's being ‘ironic’ with you or not, but just to be safe, you assume he is. You don't get why the fuck Strider would think you two were friends or some bullshit like that, which was why it had to be irony. The fucker was making fun of you. So, pissed the hell off, you responded to the mocking accordingly. 

"DO YOU HAVE AN OFF BUTTON??? PLEASE, FUCKING TELL ME HUMANS COME WITH ONE OF THOSE. MY MIGRAINE IS GETTING SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE TALKING TO YOU. IF I HAVE TO HEAR ANY MORE OF YOUR BLITHERING PISS POOR ATTEMPTS AT YOU TRYING TO STRIKE UP SOME "FRIENDLY" CONVERSATION BETWEEN US, ESPECIALLY AFTER THE SHIT YOU SAID ONLY AN HOUR AGO, I WILL FUCKING THROW YOU OFF THIS GODDAMN METEOR MYSELF. WILL THE DEATH STICK??? I DON’T KNOW, BUT GOG, I FUCKING HOPE SO. SAVING MYSELF FROM INSANITY AT THE HANDS OF YOUR BULLSHIT SEEMS PRETTY DAMN JUST TO ME."

He snorts.

The sound takes you aback, and you blink, almost visibly buffering. That was... a sound you had never heard from him. Even when you were monitoring him before he entered the Medium, you hadn't, and the sound... felt a bit surreal to hear.

But then you remember that he's laughing _at_ you, and you bare your teeth at him, stifling another growl. (Lord knows he’d probably laugh at your growls, too, because you’re pretty sure human’s ignorance tunnels aren’t formatted in a way that would allow growls.) Ugh, what the fuck was so funny to him??? You were threatening him, he should've been anything but amused.

He runs a hand through his hair, just barely smiling once again. "aw relax man. no need to look like youre about to bite my hand off cmon put those pointy ass teeth away. but fine i guess ill go chat up terezi again and let you get your beauty sleep. lord knows you need it. talk to you tomorrow dude."

He offers a wave, slender fingers spread, and you eye them intently, pondering which exact angle would be ideal to biting them off. Human hands looked fucking delicate as all hell (or, at least, Strider’s did), you're sure it'd be pathetically fucking easy if push came to shove.

Luckily for Strider, you have at least a sliver of self-control. Instead of running the first trial of your crucial experiment on just how durable human hands are, you instead simply flip him off and storm away, growling "I'D RATHER STRING OUT MY INTESTINES AND HAND FEED THEM TO THE NEAREST BARKBEAST THAN ENDURE ANOTHER CONVERSATION WITH A TAINTCHAFING NOOKWHIFF LIKE YOU, STRIDER."

Just before you turn around, you swear, you see the fucker _smirk._ Like he knows what he’s doing. Like he finds it funny how much he can piss you off. Like he's plotting something.

You absolutely (platonically) despise him.

* * *

As soon as you make it into your respiteblock, you let out a long, exhausted sigh you didn't even know you were holding in, shoulders sagging under the weight of it all. Fuck, was all the reunion shit a mistake. Alright, Karkat. You'll lay down, shut your tired ganderbulbs, and sleep off the rest of this nightmare of a day.

One day down, hundreds more to go.

You muffle a groan into your hands. Fuck.

This was Hell, wasn't it? You have no idea what sins you committed in your past life to earn this, but fuck, do you wish you could repent for them right here and now. Here you are, hurtling through space, getting trailed by a murderous barkbeast-esque murderer, getting to enjoy the wonderful firsthand experience of absolute, unmistakable insanity. Who knows, maybe you'll pull a Gamzee!! Go absolutely fucking *BATSHIT* crazy, and watch joyously as everything hits the damn thresher!!! Wouldn't that be fun?!? Or maybe you could spare everyone, including yourself, all the trouble and chuck yourself off this meteor before you snap!!!!!! Fucking la dee da!!!!!

...

Ok, yeah, you need a nap.

Your hands slide off your face, and you glare blearily at your palms. Whatever, fucking breathe or something. You could survive this. (Maybe. There’s at least half a chance.) Probably not the fucking war that comes afterward, but you digress.

You can just... isolate yourself a bit. Rewatch your movies. Read some books. Draw some shit. Stay the fuck away from the humans. Keep yourself as close to sane as you-

Ow, fuck. What the hell did you just kick?

You look down.

Oh shit. It's the human journal.

Regarding the notes with a tinge of something that could be called fondness, you thumb through the few filled out pages. Shit, you wrote these entries in what felt like forever ago. New to the meteor, staring at the humans, shell-shocked, you started taking notes on them out of spite. Tried to document their alien mannerisms and weaknesses. Fruitlessly attempted to understand why, why, why, *WHY* this was happening. You didn't get any answers, but the journaling did provide further opportunity to insult each and every one of them, so it was most definitely worth asking Kanaya to alchemize a pen for you.

You very clearly remember scribbling in it furiously that John was an "IDIOTIC GRUBFUCKER", Jade was a "THINKPAN-DEAD TWAT", Lalonde was a "SELF-RIGHTEOUS NOOKSTAIN", and Strider was an "INSIPID DOUCHEBAG." Fuck, you miss that. Simpler times. And hey, at least you weren't that far off with Strider.

Wait, actually...

An idea comes to you. A stupid, moronic, foolish idea. But an idea.

Lalonde, like you had come to realize earlier, didn't seem to be a threat. Maybe you could even learn to tolerate her. Strider, on the other hand... God, fuck him. That fucking smirk he slipped at you earlier. The cocky-ass way he carried himself, never making eye contact, like he was too good for everyone. (well, you couldn't actually tell what he was looking at because of the shades, but fuck off) The way he still seemed to be giving Terezi his stupid fucking flushed solitications despite EVERY SIGN that said he shouldn't. Just. Fuck him.

You hate him. (*Platonically*)

Maybe... just to be cautious... you could continue to document about him for strictly research purposes. Maybe. Like troll Sun Tzu once said, "Know thy enemy and know yourself; in a hundred battles, you will never be defeated." Or some pompous bullshit like that. If Strider goes rogue, or fucks up, or something along those lines, it would be useful.

You refuse to acknowledge that another main reason why you want to continue documenting is to have an outlet to rant about how fucking _aggravating_ he is.

Maybe you could continue.

Maybe you will.

Silently, you reach to your drawer and pull out your pen.

* * *

Day One

SO.

I WAS GOING THROUGH THE ABOMINATION I CALL MY RESPITEBLOCK AND FOUND THIS JOURNAL. I WAS INSTANTLY REMINDED OF THE NOTES I HAD PAINSTAKINGLY TAKEN OF THE HUMANS BACK WHEN WE FIRST MET THEM. THE HUMANS, AS IT SO FUCKING HAPPENS, ARE HERE. ON THE METEOR. BEING THE BIGGEST PAIN IN THE NOOK SINCE THE CREATION OF THE FIRST FUCKING MOTHERGRUB.

ALTHOUGH I HAVE RETIRED FROM BEING THE OFFICIAL LEADER, I HAVE MADE THE EXECUTIVE DECISION TO CONTINUE TAKING NOTES FOR STRICTLY RESEARCH PURPOSES. NOT ON ALL OF THEM ANYMORE, OF COURSE. GOG NO. EGBERT AND HARLEY ARE OFF WHO KNOWS WHERE IN THIS STUPID GALAXY, AND LALONDE IS CONTENT OGLING KANAYA WITH FLUSHED HEARTS IN HER GANDERBULBS TO BE TOO MUCH OF AN ISSUE. NO, INSTEAD, THIS JOURNAL WILL BE REBORN. REVITALIZED. GIVEN NEW PURPOSE.

I AM GIVING THIS JOURNAL THE FITTING TITLE OF “A GUIDE TO AN INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE.”

THIS JOURNAL WILL SERVE ONE PURPOSE, AND ONE PURPOSE *ONLY*. TO DOCUMENT. DOCUMENT STRIDER’S MANNERISMS, HIS CONNECTIONS, HIS WEAKNESSES. THIS IS TO BE STRICTLY FACTUAL. 

WHY, YOU ASK, AM I BOTHERING TO DO THIS BULLSHIT??? IT’S A MIXED SLURRY OF ABSOLUTE BOREDOM, FRUSTRATION, AND GENUINE DISTRUST. MORE THE LATTER. SOMETHING IS OFF WITH HIM, I CAN FUCKING FEEL IT. AND *NO*, IT’S NOT JUST HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH TEREZI!!! ALTHOUGH THAT IS ALSO INCREDIBLY FUCKING SUSPICIOUS AND PAINFUL TO WITNESS. THE FUCKER HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE’S DOING, AND I’D LAUGH IF IT WASN’T SO PATHETIC.

REGARDLESS. I WILL DOCUMENT WHATEVER THE GRUBFISTED GARBAGE KEEPS HIMSELF UP TO. THIS WILL BE PRIVATE FOR NOW BECAUSE I GENUINELY DOUBT ANYONE ELSE IS CAUTIOUS ENOUGH ANYMORE TO SEE WHY THIS COULD BE NECESSARY (EXCEPT MAYBE VRISKA, BUT THERE’S NO WAY IN HELL I’M TELLING HER.) ALSO BECAUSE I KNOW FOR A FACT TEREZI AND KANAYA WOULD SEE THIS AS PITCH, WHICH IT’S NOT.

I DON’T TRUST HIM.

LA DEE FUCKING DA, WHAT A SHOCKER!!!!! I BET THE HORRORTERRORS SCREECHING THEIR HIDEOUS SIREN SONG FAR UP ABOVE MUST HAVE FAINTED AT THAT REVELATION, OR MAYBE JUST DROPPED FUCKING DEAD, CAUSE THAT CAME SO FAR OUT OF LEFT FIELD IT WAS CLEARLY TOO MUCH!!!!! THE SHOCK, THE HORROR!!!!!

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, SOMETHING IS OFF WITH HIM. THE WHOLE “STOIC SHITHEAD” FACADE ISN’T HIM, AND I SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT THE FUCK COULD BE UNDERNEATH THAT. SOMETHING ABOUT HIM INFURIATES ME TO NO END, AND I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S MY GOOD INSTINCT TELLING ME HE’S TROUBLE.

WHATEVER. THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY FOR NOW. STRIDER BETTER NOT PULL ANY SHIT AND/OR FUCKERY, OR I SWEAR TO GOG, I’LL KICK THE STICK UP HIS ASS SO FAR UP HIS THINK PAN WILL BE IMPALED.

-KARKAT VANTAS


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> karkat's a bit harsher than warranted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay, struggling to write the first few chapters of this story!! i'll see if i can hurry it along

You wake up fucking exhausted.

Wow, isn't that one an oxymoron! And here you were, thinking the key purpose of sleep was to regain energy. 

But seriously. As your bleary eyes blink through heavy eyelids, staring at the ceiling, you find yourself wishing to just shut your eyes again and sleep for the rest of this trip. You got a somewhat sufficient amount of hours of sleep, you guess. It's just you feel like the world itself slammed your thinkpan into bits with a sledgehammer. Unfortunately for you, there's this tiny little thing you had called _fucking insomnia_. So yeah, no more sleep for you to get for now.

Your first thought of the day is how tired you are.

Your second thought of the day is Strider.

Just that, in fact. Strider. For some reason, your mind goes to that journal entry you wrote last night about him, and your mind lingers on the detail that he, in fact, exists. Exists on the same meteor you're on, actually. Ugh. Your chest rumbles with a low snarl, raspy with your morning voice, but then the weight of it sinks in. Strider. You had just thought about Strider as your second thought of the day.

Oh, for fucks sake.

A groan escaped your lips, and you slowly crawl out of your recuperacoon. That had to be a fucking bad omen or something. Why were you even thinking about him? The douche didn't deserve any place in your thinkpan, didn't deserve any time spent dwelling on.

He didn't deserve anything from you.

* * *

Storming, you plod your way out of your respiteblock to make yourself breakfast, steps heavy against the metal hull. Anyone with any common sense would take note of the fact that you crawled out of the wrong side of the recuperacoon and give you enough distance to prevent any violent altercations. You weren't going to put up with any bullshit and/or fuckery, you just want some food before you punched a fucking wall or something.

And lo and behold, right next to the alchemiter and the thermal hull, is none other than Strider himself.

Oh, for the love of the Horrorterrors in the furthest goddamn ring-

His dark shades meet your eyes, and his eyebrows lift the slightest bit. "oh karkat. sup dude." he drawls, sipping a mug of something that looked like coffee right before screwing up his face in faint disgust. You think you see something almost like... some sort of fucking amusement seeing you. That's fucking bullshit, though. He's only amused he gets to make fun of you.

You find yourself staring at him, all thoughts flat-lining in your thinkpan. Dead, gone. Time to throw a fucking human funeral for them. Finally, a red-hot _exasperation_ burns through you, and you shout out "SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I RIP OUT THE STRINGS IN YOUR IGNORANCE SHAFT AND CHUCK THEM INTO THE NEAREST WASTE RECEPTACLE. THAT'S A FUCKING PROMISE, STRIDER."

Strider stares back at you quietly, growing tense at the volume of your voice and lips parted just an inch. You note with a twisted satisfaction he isn't laughing at your threat like yesterday, thank Gog. Strider's grip on the mug tightens the slightest bit, and he put it down, looking almost... uncomfortable.

Finally, he said with his usual flat drone, "sure. whatever i guess. no need to be so fucking cranky." He turns away from you, and you are left... slightly taken off guard. That was it? You thought he'd put up more of a fight. How pathetic.

You refuse to acknowledge the fact you feel almost disappointed.

Shaking your head a bit, in the hopes you could maybe physically rid that wisp of a thought out of your thinkpan, you shove past him and reach for some grub. Some pre-made meat based product, you don't fucking know. Even with his stupid shades on, you can feel the prickling sensation of Strider's eyes on you, and your jaw tenses. The tense silence certainly isn't fucking helping, and pissed, you snap out "IF YOU COULD STOP STARING AT ME, STRIDER, THAT'D BE WONDERFUL!!!" 

You tug out the container, claws almost digging into it, and as you turn to snarl at him, Strider almost scowls at you. "well shit man im fucking sorry im thrown off by you barging in here and acting like my whole presence is an offense against you." He defensively crosses his arms, and you are taken slightly aback, because you've never heard him sounds so _bitter_ before.

You start to think that maybe watching snippets of somebody's life through a screen panel doesn't tell you much about them, actually.

"BOO HOO. CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER. DO YOU WANT ME TO CODDLE YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A HUMAN??? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT????? DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SO DESPERATE FOR A PALEMATE, SHITSTAIN." You don't even think about what you're saying anymore, all you know is that you're goading him, trying to get more of a reaction out of him.

Strider bristles, his stoic facade shattered to pieces for a couple seconds. "for fucks- what does that even *mean*??? and god forbid me expecting you to be anything close to a decent person. my mistake vantas wont make it again." Ooh, you're on last name basis with him now.

He takes in a sharp breath, as if realizing how venomous his tone has gotten, how furious his posture is, and he quickly composes himself, posture slouching and expression smoothing over to only lightly furrowed brows and a frown.

You roll your ganderbulbs at him, a scoff pulled out of you at his horrendous attempt to act 'calm' again. "NEWS FLASH, DOUCHEBAG, I'M NOT A "DECENT PERSON" CAUSE I'M NOT A FUCKING *PERSON*!!! SORRY THAT TROLLS AREN'T SOFT ENOUGH FOR YOU!!!!! DAMN, WHAT A SHAME YOU HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER THREE FUCKING SWEEPS WITH ONE!!!!!!!"

This time, Strider genuinely flinches at your shouting.

For a moment, your aggravation fades. You pause, staring at him. Why did he react so much to shouting??? Were human ear ducts that sensitive??

"youre literally the only one on this meteor that acts like this don't fucking blame it on you being a troll. terezi is a troll and shes actually-" He starts, right before you cut him off with a growl.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP." Your anger is back, and it burns into your chest. Hearing her name on his tongue is the worst thing you've heard in a while, and you restrain yourself from shoving him against the wall.

You realize as hunger pangs through you that you still haven't eaten.

"FUCK THIS AND FUCK YOU. I'M GOING BACK TO MY RESPITEBLOCK." You snarl, turning heel and shoulders rigid. You can hear him make a sound that sounds almost like 'tch' at you, and he deadpans "sure whatever. have fun."

You storm away and don't look back.

* * *

Day Two

IS IT TOO LATE TO CHUCK HIM OUT OF THE METEOR???

STRIDER CONTINUES TO BAFFLE AND ASTOUND ME WITH THE LEVELS OF DEPLORABLE HE REACHES. I WOULD BE IMPRESSED IF IT WASN'T SO FUCKING AGGRAVATING.

I'M CURRENTLY EATING SOME GRUB IN MY ROOM BECAUSE OF COURSE, THE WORLD WOULD GIVE ME THE BLESSING OF HAVING TO DEAL WITH HIM WHILE TRYING TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT. HOORAY.

THERE'S NOT MUCH TO DOCUMENT, I THINK? WAIT, NO, THAT'S A LIE, I'M JUST DISTRACTED RIGHT NOW CAUSE I'M TOO FUCKING PISSED OFF AND HUNGRY. GIVE ME A SECOND TO COOL OFF AND FINISH EATING.

OK.

SO.

THE MAIN THING I'VE FIGURED OUT TODAY IS THAT HE'S SENSITIVE TO LOUD NOISES. WHICH HONESTLY, IS PRETTY PATHETIC. I'D PITY HIM FOR IT, EXCEPT, EW, ABSOLUTELY NOT. BUT ANYWAYS. EVERY TIME I YELLED AT HIM TODAY, HE TENSED, FLINCHED, FUCKING WHATEVER. SO THAT'S ONE WEAKNESS OF STRIDER FIGURED OUT, ON JUST DAY TWO. I'M FUCKING AMAZING AT THIS JOURNALING SHIT.

LIKE I SAID YESTERDAY, HIS STOIC FACADE IS JUST THAT. A FUCKING FACADE. WOW, WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT??? I PISSED HIM OFF ENOUGH, AND HE SNAPPED A BIT. HE DIDN'T YELL, BUT HIS TONE SOUNDED LIKE IT WAS DOCKED WITH ENOUGH VENOM TO TAKE OUT A FULL GROWN MUSCLEBEAST. SO YEAH, HE'S COVERING SOMETHING UP.

I HAVE THE UPPER HAND ON HIM NOW. THIS JOURNAL IS ALREADY SERVING ME PRETTY FUCKING WELL. I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT YESTERDAY HE WAS THE ONE GOADING ME, AND I FELL FOR IT LIKE A STUPID WOOLBEAST. NOW I'M THE ONE PROVOKING HIM.

OH FOR FUCKS SAKES, I'M GLANCING OVER THIS AND IT SEEMS SO PITCH. *EUGH*. I'M NOT PITCH FOR HIM, I WOULDN'T EVER STOOP THAT LOW.

ANYWAYS.

THAT'S ABOUT ALL I HAVE TO SAY FOR NOW. I'M JUST GONNA TRY TO SLEEP IN MY RECUPERACOON AGAIN. I'M STILL FUCKING TIRED, AND THAT WHOLE ENCOUNTER WITH STRIDER JUST MADE IT WORSE.

I'LL SEE WHAT OTHER WEAKNESSES HE HAS SOON.

-KARKAT VANTAS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed!! sorry its sloppy ^^"


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> karkat accidentally eavesdrops

Days go by.

You're pretty sure, at least.

It's a bit hard to tell time on the meteor without checking your husktop, considering the complete lack of phases of the day, and sometimes when you're feeling particularly exhausted you stop by the common room to check Lalonde's ever-changing whiteboards. Lalonde keeps her own calendar in the main room in some alchemized whiteboards, and she had started a countdown _and_ a daily count of how many days it had been since they had arrived because, in Kanaya's words, "She Seems To Enjoy Having Everything About This Trip Organized."

Even though you are conscious of the fact time is going by, it doesn't feel like it at all.

You'd never thought you'd miss Alternia's death-sun, but here you are. At least on Alternia, you could tell the passage of time by the screaming of trolls getting brutally slaughtered, and see the light outside fade in and out with the hours. At least on Alternia you weren't stuck wanting to bash your head into the wall when you check your husktop and realize that those "hours" that passed by were in fact just a couple of minutes.

Time ticks by ever so slowly. It's in moments like these, where you are curled up in the common room, slowly getting absorbed into the cushions of the couch, that you wonder what it'd be like to have a Time aspect. Would this mind-numbing rhythm somehow be more tolerable, or would it be much, much worse? You briefly consider asking Strider to sate your curiosity, before you remember that no, fuck him.

Currently, you're in the common room alone, trying to get some fresh air from your respiteblock, though arguably, fresh air is a thing you're never going to get on this meteor. Nobody's usually in here around this hour, which is why you came now. You aren't particularly interested in being pestered by shitheads and their stupidity. 

You've been trying to immerse yourself in an Alternian love story from Kanaya's collection for the past hour. It's about rainbow drinkers, because fucking obviously, it's from _Kanaya_ , and as you read the heavily cliched storyline, telling the tale of a male highblood rainbowdrinker trying to coerce a young, only barely 9 sweeps old female lowblood to give her blood and herself up to him, you find yourself kind of disgusted. You wouldn't call your taste in literature perfect by any means, but Horrorterrors in the furthest ring, this is horrendous.

"Immersing yourself" in the atrocity proves to be an issue, mostly because you physically can't. You're bored, but seriously, you're almost disappointed in yourself for still reading the story, even if every chapter makes you more and more ticked off.

You're seconds away from calling it quits and retiring to your respiteblock to find some other way to pass time when they walk in. Or rather, barge in.

A small click of surprise escapes you, and you quickly shove yourself up only to realize that it's Terezi, followed by Strider. She seems... upset. You go to reach out, maybe trying to insert yourself in and defend her, or maybe to take another opportunity to tick off Strider, before you realize that neither of them has noticed you yet, wrapped up in whatever the hell is going on with them. The couch is also facing the opposite way of the door, so the back of it is covering up most of you. Hooray for shitty furniture placement.

Terezi reaches to the nearest table, snatching her cane that you assume she forgot from this morning. Strider grabs onto her wrist, opening his mouth to probably say something fucking stupid, and she jerks her hand away from his grasp with a low snarl, startling him enough to snap his lips shut. The two face off silently for a bit, Strider staring absently at her back, hand slowly falling to his side, as she slides her hand over her face. The tension is thick enough to choke on, and you find yourself momentarily thanking whatever gods were out there that your presence remains unknown.

Terezi speaks first.

"D4V3, L34V3 M3 4LON3. 1 4LR34DY 3XPL41N3D WHY W3 C4NT DO TH1S." She grits out, shoulders drawn tenser than a bowstring. She still refuses to turn around to him, instead crossing her arms and letting her sharp claws almost dig into her arms.

Even with the shades, you can tell that he's frustrated by the slant of his mouth. "do what? terezi i dont understand i was just giving you a hug man cause you seemed sad. this is all platonic i dont get whats wrong."

Platonic. You scoff to yourself. Yeah, right.

Silence. Strider fidgets with his hands, drawing into himself, and you chalk another "first" in your head, the first time you've seen Strider look so small.

He continues, voice a bit more defeated. "look ok i get it we cant be a thing because thats what it said. i dont want a doomed timeline on my hands cause i decided that macking up my troll gf was more important than anything else. thats fine ok im over it. i just want to still have you as a friend. my buddy. yknow. youre a good friend and dare i say my only one on here. im sorry if it seems like im making advances i swear im not i just... i just need an explanation please terezi i dont know what im doing wrong."

Several revelations come at you at once.

One, Strider knows about the fact Terezi couldn't date either of them. Two, from the desperation in his voice, he wasn't making any advances knowingly. Three, he... _actually_ wants to be just friends with Terezi. Four, his relationship with Terezi right now seems to actually be as bad as your relationship with her, if not worse. And five, wow, he is _pathetically_ vulnerable right now.

Ok, the last one wasn't really a revelation, you just find it funny.

With a sigh, Terezi finally turns around, sniffing quietly to get a sense of where he is, and red glasses face-off with black shades. It's a bit hard for her to look intimidating next to him, being almost a head shorter than him and her soft figure, but she manages pretty well. "WH4T YOU W3R3 DO1NG W4S BL4T4NTLY P4L3, OK?? 4ND... 1 W4NT SOM3BODY 3LS3 1N TH4T QU4DR4NT. C4N YOU PL34S3 L34V3 M3 4LON3, 1 N33D SOM3 SP4C3." At this, Strider furrows his eyebrows, suddenly looking annoyed. The pitiful look on his face vanishes, replaced by a half scowl as he pulls back.

...Wait, Terezi wanted a moirail?

"dude i already told you i dont understand troll romance and quadrants and shit so i dont mean it like that. all of this is purely platonic stuff for humans. you sound like karkat terezi do you really want to sound like karkat." He drawls out, shoving his hands in the pockets of his ridiculous scarlet sweatpants.

You slam a hand against your mouth to try and restrain yourself from snarling, practically suffocating yourself. You hate him so much, platonically, fuck him, _fuck him-_ Not only was what he said petty as all hell, it was also exceedingly stupid! Like, what a fucking shocker, their cultures had different boundaries, but he could at least afford to be respectful!! And by the balling of her fists and the baring of her teeth, Terezi seemed to think the same.

Reaching her limit, she snapped, shoving him away from her. "GOG, WH4T 1S YOUR 1SSU3 W1TH K4RK4T!! YOU 4LW4YS BR1NG H1M UP JUST TO B3 A D1CK 4ND 1M S1CK OF 1T!! PL34S3, WHY C4N'T YOU R3SP3CT MY BOUND4R13S??" Holy shit, she defended you. God, you could kiss her if you weren't mostly over that. Strider stumbles back, expression flipping on a dime once again as he desperately reaches out, backtracking on his words. "wait terezi fuck i-"

You'd like to say you know Terezi pretty well at this point, and you can tell with only a glance that he fucked up.

She shoves past him, cane tapping a quick rhythm on the floor as he staggers back once again, tripping on his stupid cape and falling back on his ass gracelessly with a light thump. Thinkpan obviously made of fucking slush, he tries again, voice weaker. "terezi-" He starts, as even that one word still manages to crack at the end, and Terezi thankfully cuts him off, quietly saying "JUST. S4V3 1T, COOLK1D."

There's a pause. Strider remains on the floor, Terezi remains in place, and you remain watching from the couch wondering holy fucking shit how have they not noticed you yet.

Once again, Terezi breaks the silence. You almost don't hear her, with how uncharacteristically soft her voice gets. "1'M... GONN4 GO TO MY ROOM. 4LON3. BY3, D4V3." Strider remains still for a few seconds, seeming unresponsive.

"bye."

The metal door clicks shut.

...

You watch Strider's shoulders hunch and shiver, hear him let out a shaky sigh, and for only a fleeting moment, you feel a twisted sort of sympathy for him. For a moment, you almost see yourself in him. You see yourself in the lame, pathetic boy sitting on the floor, regretting his decisions. You... empathize with him.

The moment passes, and a smug sense of satisfaction at Strider's current predicament washes over you. You smirk.

He's muttering to himself. Cursing himself out, calling himself stupid. You hear him say your name, and you'd love to twist it into him being antagonistic against you, but with the palpable regret that freely drips from the two syllables of your name, it's pretty obvious Strider took Terezi's criticisms to heart.

About time he realized he was the actual douche.

You decide you're tired of hiding from him, so clearing your throat, you finally say clearly "TROUBLE IN PARADISE???" He jumps, turning to face you, and his shades blankly stare up at you, speechless, until he makes a sound the closest to a snarl a human could physically make.

"oh my fucking god are you kidding me. are you actually kidding me." He grits out, not even bothering to seem stoic. He furiously rubs at his face, and for another moment, you think you see a shimmer against his skin, almost like a trail of liquid. But no, that doesn't make sense, you're not acknowledging it, and it's gone, anyway.

Hefting yourself up to stand, you shoot back simply "NO, I'M PRETTY SURE I'M NOT. MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES, STRIDER, FOR YOUR ABSOLUTE LACK OF TACT OR REASON. I HOPE YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO SOLVE THIS DEBILITATING ISSUE BEFORE YOU MAKE EVEN MORE OF A FOOL OUT OF YOURSELF WITH MORE LIVING CREATURES." Strider bristles more and more with every word that you say until he's practically holding himself back from shoving himself up and lunging at you.

"listen im not in the mood karkat. leave me the hell alone." he says, turning back away from you and clenching his fists.

"OH YEAH, OBVIOUSLY, I SHOULD LEAVE YOU ALONE CAUSE YOU HAVE *SUCH* RESPECT WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ASK FOR THE SAME THING"

"shut up."

"REALLY, WHY SHOULD I??? DOES THE TRUTH HURT, STRIDER??? WANT ME TO KISS YOUR WOUNDS BETTER FOR YOU???"

"shut _up_."

"WOW, HOW ORIGINAL DAVE!!! CERTAINLY DIDN'T HEAR THAT ONE A COUPLE SECONDS AGO."

" _shut up!!!_ "

He snaps.

"i get it, okay! im fucking stupid and dont know how to interact with people like a normal goddamn person! i fucked up with terezi and im gonna say sorry cause she deserves an apology for me being a douche! is that what you wanted to hear? do you wanna hear me degrade myself even more karkat???" That's the closest to shouting you've heard him get to, and you blink a bit, taken slightly aback. But, hey, at least he's self-aware.

You consider his offer briefly.

"NO, WHAT I WANT IS AN EXPLANATION FOR YOUR "ISSUE" WITH ME, STRIDER. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU SHIT ON ME TO TEREZI, HUH??? I DON'T DO THAT." You say matter-of-factly, crossing your arms, because its true, you haven't actually shit-talked him to anyone else directly.

...Except the journal, you guess. But does that even count?

"holy fucking shit do you have anything resembling a brain in your thickass skull. is there anything even in there or is it just hollow. maybe the reason for my "issue" with you could be because every time weve talked youve been an asshole! even when i was trying to maybe be your fucking friend!" He hisses out.

Wait, friend?

You falter for a second, and desperately trying to come up with something to say, you spew out "I DON'T NEED YOU AS A FRIEND, DOUCHEBAG. I HAVE STANDARDS." His shoulders tense, and for a couple seconds, he doesn't answer.

"yeah cause you obviously have so many friends on this meteor." he mutters, voice thick with sarcasm. A snarl runs through you. God, he's so fucking infuriating. How the fuck did he ever think he could be your friend?

"WHAT EXACTLY WAS THAT YOU SAID TO TEREZI AGAIN? ABOUT HOW SHE WAS YOUR ONLY ACTUAL FRIEND ON HERE? AND THAT ONE ISNT GOING SO SMOOTHLY RIGHT NOW EITHER. GOD, YOU'RE A FUCKING HYPOCRITE." you shoot back with narrowed eyes. 

This time, he doesn't respond.

The room remains silent. His shoulders tense, but other than that, he remains completely still, sitting on the floor and staring at nothing in particular. Strider doesn't move, doesn't flinch, doesn't reply with his usual flat retorts, he just... sits there, time ticking by. Almost like you fucking broke him somehow, but no, of course not, he's just being pathetic.

"WHAT, WAS THAT TOO MUCH FOR YOU??? DID YOU SUDDENLY GO MUTE???" Your attempts to provoke him again don't work, and he remains silent, staring blankly ahead without moving. Its... kind of fucking eerie, to be honest. You stare at him for a bit longer, or at least, stare at the back of his head, and you finally just give up.

"WHATEVER. HAVE A NICE TIME ON THE FLOOR, STRIDER."

You step past him, refusing to look back at his face, and slam the door shut.

* * *

When you make it to your respiteblock, you flop down on the floor next to some blankets, too lazy to get in your recuperacoon, and stare at the ceiling for a couple of seconds, processing what exactly happened. That... was a lot of information you got, holy shit. 

Your head feels heavy, surrounded by a thick fog. Your weak grasp of time continues to mock you as you stare at the fluorescent lights. Despite the smug satisfaction you felt earlier, you feel... really fucking weird now. What the fuck was that with Strider? Why did he seem so upset? Why did he actually regret mentioning you at first? Why did he go entirely mute at the end?

Why do you even care?

You scoff bitterly. 

He doesn't care about you. You heard what Terezi said. He always brought you up, just to be an asshole. He was lying, he didn't want to be his friend because he was obviously laughing at you and seeing you like the world's greatest fucking joke. Well, fuck him.

You shouldn't let him fuck with your head. You're better than that. You're better than _him_.

You settle to ignore any part of you that feels otherwise.

* * *

Day Nine

JUST WHEN I THINK HIS STUPIDITY MAYBE HAD LIMITS, HE PROVES ME WRONG.

THE BASIC SUMMARY IS HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH TEREZI RIGHT NOW IS, TO BE BLUNT, FUCKING HORRENDOUS.

HE FUCKED UP. MADE SOME PALE MOVES ON HER, SHE WAS UNCOMFORTABLE, AND STRIDER CONTINUED TO BE A DICK ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF BEING CULTURALLY SENSITIVE. SHE REACTED ACCORDINGLY AND TOLD HIM TO LEAVE HER ALONE AND THEN WENT TO HER ROOM.

SHE LOOKED PRETTY UPSET, HONESTLY. I FEEL BAD FOR HER, AND THE FACT THAT SHE HAS TO DEAL WITH THAT DOUCHE. I WAS PLANNING ON MAYBE SENDING HER A MESSAGE LATER, BUT THAT WOULD INVOLVE HAVING TO EXPLAIN I OVERHEARD THE WHOLE CONVERSATION, SO I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO RESORT TO PUTTING STRIDER IN HIS PLACE.

OH, WAIT, YEAH. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT DOCUMENTING SHIT. SORRY.

HE SEEMS SENSITIVE ABOUT THE FACT TEREZI IS PISSED AT HIM. HE HAD THIS WHOLE MELTDOWN WHEN I KEPT PROVOKING HIM ABOUT IT, CALLING HIMSELF A DOUCHE AND SAYING HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO ACT "NORMAL" OR SOME BULLSHIT. AT LEAST HE'S SELF AWARE.

HE FELL COMPLETELY SILENT WHEN I MENTIONED HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS ON THIS METEOR SO I GUESS THAT'S A SORE SPOT FOR HIM TOO. SHOCKING.

I'M STARTING TO THINK THAT MAYBE I DIDN'T GET THAT MUCH USEFUL INFORMATION TODAY AND IT WAS MOSTLY ME WATCHING HIM FIGHT WITH TEREZI AND GETTING A RISE OUT OF HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT?? THAT'S FINE. WHO THE FUCK CARES. ONLY NINE DAYS DOWN, WE STILL HAVE DOZENS OF PERIGEES TO GO. I'LL BE MORE ATTENTIVE. MAYBE I'LL SWITCH UP MY SCHEDULE TO HANG MORE AROUND THE COMMON ROOM, CAUSE AS INFURIATING AS IT IS TO HAVE TO BE NEAR HIM, I STILL NEED TO CONTINUE DOCUMENTING. THIS IS THE ONE PURPOSE I HAVE NOW ON THIS METEOR, I GUESS, NOW THAT I'M NOT THE LEADER.

I GUESS THIS MEANS FOR THE CURRENT TIME HE HAS NO ALLIES OTHER THAN LALONDE??? BUT LIKE MENTIONED IN THE FIRST ENTRY, SHE'S PRETTY CAUGHT UP COURTING KANAYA SO POOR LITTLE STRIDER IS ON HIS OWN.

MY INSTINCT KEEPS TELLING ME HE'S TROUBLE, AND SO FAR??? HE'S PROVEN IT. NOT EVEN A WHOLE PERIGEE AND HE'S TOYING WITH TEREZI'S EMOTIONS. THINGS WILL ONLY GET WORSE. AND AS LONG AS MY INSTINCT KEEPS TELLING ME HE'S TROUBLE, I'LL KEEP WRITING IN HERE. 

THIS'LL BE USEFUL SOMEDAY, I FUCKING KNOW IT.

-KARKAT VANTAS 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! feel free to drop a kudo or comment, i v much appreciate feedback. hope you have a wonderful day <3


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